Let’s bust one of the most harmful myths out there — the one that all of the “cold” jokes are about.
You know which one I mean — the one about how women just don’t want sex as often as men because our libidos can’t keep up with our husband’s demands for sex.
(Now…let me put this caveat in here, so I don’t get a bunch of hate mail: a small percentage of women have abnormally low hormones and require hormone therapy. And a small percentage of women have severe mental health issues. This article is not about women with actual medical issues. Clearly those are not myths, they are real. This article addresses women without physical issues or severe mental health problems. OK…back to our discussion…)
The Problem
First, let’s talk about the problem, and let’s get real about it. If you are married, you probably know this issue well, as I am describing a very common occurrence among married couples with children. Once women give birth, there is a shift in the type and frequency of sex in the marriage. You rarely have sex after the kids make their appearance on the scene.
Husbands will ask for it.
A husband’s body and mind haven’t completely altered, as a woman’s has, once she has given birth. So he still yearns for an intense physical connection with his partner. But wives…well we aren’t wives anymore.
We are mothers.
Changed body. Changed mind. Changed focus.
So when we are done at the end of the day with the cooking, chauffeuring, cleaning, careering, working, child caring, event planning, doctoring and all of the other million things that women do during the day…well…we add our husband’s nagging about wanting sex to the list of things we “must” deal with. But the reality is that playing sex goddess is the last thing we have the time and the energy to do.
So we come up with excuses: I have a headache, I don’t feel good, I haven’t showered, I am tired, I over-ate, I haven’t eaten anything yet, I have a stomach ache, I don’t have the energy for it tonight (or any night).
It’s a nasty cycle for husbands and wives, but it is particularly nasty for wives. And it continues for weeks, months and sometimes even years.
The problem is prevalent and it is accepted in our culture. We all joke about it. Wives accept it as part of their lives. And husbands do, too. Sometimes husbands cheat because of it.
The Solution
So what if there was a solution? Because there is.
And it starts with understanding that your mind is your most important sex organ. For men and women, no matter how different our bodies are, sex starts in the brain.
So what if, as women, we decided to make our sexual needs a priority in our lives? If we told our minds to think differently about sex. To think about sex as what we want and actually need (because we do!). What if we didn’t think about sex as a requirement, another task on our to-do list, or yet another need we must fulfill for someone in our lives.
What if sex wasn’t something done to us?
(Yeah, I’m looking at you wifey…you lay there and hope to god he finishes quickly so you can be done and get on with the rest of your night…I know, I’ve been there.)
The fact is, low libido is a myth because the desire to have sex actually is deep down in there, for most of us. But we stopped making ourselves a priority in our own lives. We paused our sexual selves to care for our babies, and just forgot to come back and push play.
In other words, our libido isn’t low…our identity is.
Wives want to still be romanced and desired. We want to feel young and vivacious and beautiful again…like we used to before we became a mom. We still watch romance movies and read romance novels. We still have desire inside us. And we still want great orgasms, too.
But when the “mom shift” happens, everything changes for us. We go into this new mode — and don’t get me wrong, it’s a good one. We have to shift into motherhood immediately…as soon as our baby is born. We do it so they can survive and then thrive. And we do it so we can survive. Momming is tiring and tough, wonderful and amazing. But to do it, we put ourselves on the back burner.
The “who” that we spent decades creating: young, vibrant, beautiful…that identity gets set aside to make room for the new identity of “mom”. And again, that’s ok because our mom identity becomes a wonderful and important part of us. But our individual identity that loved being a sensual, sexual woman — I call it our inner Sex Goddess — that is only supposed to be put on the back burner temporarily.
About one year after having kids, unless there are major medical issues, that inner Sex Goddess must be a part of your daily identity again.
She cannot be relegated to ancient history.
The Consequences of Ignoring the Problem
And you know why? Because if you ignore and deny that part of you, and accept a dead bedroom and a sexless marriage…there are some very real and painful consequences to it.
First, there are the consequences for you: no more orgasms (which are healthy for your body and mind), no mental release, no way to be pampered and desired by your husband, no conscious acknowledgement of your own individual needs, and more than likely without an active sex life, you have stopped the self-care routines you used to religiously adhere to. And what about the guilt and the shame? The deep-seated resentment of your family that crops up when you think about who you used to be, and the “fact” that you had to give up that person for your family?
Then there are the consequences in your marriage: both of you are unhappy, but chances are you don’t talk about it. Husbands cheat. Or they don’t. But either way they feel intense abandonment, depression and pain over the loss of connection with their lifelong partners.
Wives turn to their friends for companionship and away from their husbands to avoid the stressful and uncomfortable conversation about having sex. The resentment you feel towards your kids, though seriously misplaced, is real, and sometimes it comes out when you yell at them for no reason.
If you were honest with yourself, you would admit that your life feels out of control, it’s not what you thought it would be, you don’t want to be in this situation, and your marriage is on very shaky ground (if not headed for divorce).
But it doesn’t have to be this way. The Sex Goddess you were…she is still in there. you just have to take action…and let her out.
You deserve it.
Do it for yourself, not for anyone else. And do it today!
The Mom to Sex Goddess Challenge
I am an intimacy coach, and I have been there, personally. I help busy moms reignite their sexuality, find their inner sex goddess and reconnect with their husbands. And honestly, they save their marriages, too.
Because life without being “you”…life without being an individual and reclaiming your identity…life without the important sexual connection you NEED with your partner…well that doesn’t seem like a life worth living at all.
Interested in learning more? I have three spots left in my Free 4-Day From Mom to Sex Goddess Challenge. I do 1:1 coaching for just an hour each day, and by the end of the challenge, you will feel like a sex goddess again: young, beautiful, desired and desirous, adventurous and most importantly, you will feel like “you” again!
Leave me a comment and let me know if you’d like to join the challenge.
